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The Good Ones Are Gone: A bachelor’s search for companion

When we were growing up, my grandpa while looking at his wife would smile and then would ask us to pray for a good life partner. We were too young to understand but we loved the smiles they shared. Nearly two decades later,we are living to understand his reasons better. I really wish I didn’t justpray but had even fasted for his suggestion then. Especially now that weseem to be in trouble even understanding what long term happiness is in a relationship. In this age, people are used, things are loved, egos are treasured and happiness is rare.

Living  as a partial or full Lagos bachelor with little enhancements(like a small crib and a car) has a way of showing people life from different angles. For one, your clique is improved and your lifestyle ismerely overrated. For sure, the girls are fresher and the boys are doper.As long as you are living it up and you do not fall into the category of ‘I used to have but I don’t anymore’. It’s the city, no one cares about how happy you are after all. With all these about the city, the lives on this deceitful lane have actually opened my eyes to the confirmation of two facts that the old man told us.
Firstly, we all hope for the best but we are constrained to choose only from the available especially in relationships. No one can choose what’snot available. According to what the old man explained, there are threetype of humans in mating (the good ones, the normal ones and the abnormalones). Let me explain that a bit.

The good ones are those type my grandpa took time to smile about. Theytreat their relationship like a treasure as if it’s a prerequisite for themmaking it to heaven. They nurtured it. Like our grannies, the way theymanaged their relationships and marriages make us believe storybooks happyending tales.  They solved their problems selflessly, overcame theirstruggles internally and maintain happy faces to the rest of the world.
Normal is like the middle point of everything. Warri no win, warri no lose,kpatakpatana draw kind of relationship people.

The abnormal is, well, just not normal. You must permit me to leave it thisway for simplicity because I lack the exact English word in exchange ofwhat he said.

Second and most importantly, the city lane has opened my eyes to the factthat the good ones (both boys and girls) are gone and even normals are abig deal now. Okay, that’s harsh, maybe I should say the good ones arealmost gone and normals are greatly desired.

Since I’m now grown and have a deeper understanding of his sayings, I wantto relate his prediction or fear to our present state and even futureproblems.

Most sincere seekers (I don’t mean those looking for excuses to not becommitted) will tell you that the good ones you seek have been too rare fora while now that these days people fast and pray for the ‘normal’.

If we are truthful to our generation, then we know the good ones were gonefrom when the gentlemen could no longer win ladies with acts of gentlenessbecause they prefer being with ruffians and being treated wrongly. Goodones were gone the moment good girls could no longer keep their men becausethe males’ minds are more occupied with skimpy skirts adventures than whatthey were being offered at home. Good ones were gone from the time parentsshamelessly started to depend on daughters for monthly survival. In fact, the good were gone from the period when feelings and relationships becamemonetized.

If you don’t understand what it is like to seek just normal in arelationship, then let me explain better. For the singles, Normal is likepleading with nature to be at least fair with you after having the 7th‘kolomental’ relationship you didn’t bargain for in less than 2 years. It’s that feeling of hoping not to be involved but deep inside you, craving to be, but will silently pray you don’t fall for one worst than the last. Its hoping to settle for a person more human and not just another beast that can tear more pieces of you apart. This is normal. Normal to the married is seeking to, at least to be liked when you give love. Normal like this doesn’t want too many luxuries but just day to day human treatment and security.

Good are rare, so we are having everybody wishing to settle for normal. Inthe absence of good, we only pray for normal these days and those normal too are fast becoming an endangered specie. Our liberties that weresupposed to open doors to self-enlightenment and discoveries are becomingwindows to our own doom. We openly enjoy the ugly and secretly wish the good girls and boys we heard in stories can be restored after forgetting we’ve been destroying the structure to which they are supposed to be raised and maintained.

Talking about how we crave for even normal these days;the other day, Imistakenly left the TV on one of these Nigerian music channels for an auntand left to attend to some things. When I got back, she involuntary askedwhy these foreign parents can’t at least tell their children to be normaland or at least wear normal clothes. When I told her that the people on TVwere Nigerians, she didn’t even wait for me to tell her the bum shorts (or pants according to her) and the trousers that won’t hang on the waist(plus tattoos that were too dark and dirty) were the new normal now before she talked herself to anger. She concluded by pointing that perhaps clothes should be given to animals since they will wear it better than humans.

Good is rare and normal is scarce. When a friend told me she thought a certain celebrity’s marriage did well to have almost clocked two years contrary to her believe it will only survive for a year or less. Her point to me, made marriage seem like a JAMB score which is only useful in one year and thus invalid in the next admission year. Is this the norm now and should it be?

Abnormal is just terrible. We once had a neighbour with so many funny acts.They claimed their relationship was complex. In their good times, theydisplay all kinds of sexual profanity on the street and in their bad times,they were busy violently getting blood out of each other. Again, they willalways say their love life is bad ass complex. Perhaps the bad asscomplexity can be explained in how a married woman will come home super drunkin week days, not minding the fact that the children should be prepared forschool early the next morning. Maybe bad ass complexity explains why the husband never had class in the type of skirts he pursued. Whatever the case, this couple like most these days, were finding more bad times than good times and when they do, the area was turned into a war zone with words and weapons. Abnormal is not just bad, it’s ridiculous and this is the stage most of us are, ranging from relationships to marriages.

We must accept the fact that if truly the good ones are almost gone and thenormal ones will soon be threatened, we collectively caused it. We replacedhuman disciplines with other things, the ‘pillar heads’ of family cultureabandoned their duties and now we are paying for it. The Reviewer is notgiving marriage counselling but thinks we give too little and want toomuch. You would say I don’t understand everything about how our old folksmade it work then but I sure do know that it was based on family structure
that were laid as foundation for day to day operation.

“The Reviewer’s say is simple”. If you still possess a good one in anyform, you must be one of those with blessings than our generation canexplain. I hope we treat the rare remaining ones well so they can produceand nurture other good ones.

If you’re with a normal, don’t worry, I have seen what perseverance can doespecially for two people who believe.

But if the world lies between you and the abnormal, well, God help you findpeace.

As for me, I really wished I had prayed those prayer from my grandpa wellbecause I reflect on the issue almost daily.

However, seeing the world with my bachelor eyes, my prayers have taken afunny turn. I pray that God should order my steps in such a way that on theday I am supposed to meet an abnormal one, may my clothes be stained byfootball from the street kids (as funny or dumb as it may sound, it’s aprayer point) . Let the car act up a little and let me change my mind out rightly about such outgoing. I don’t mind, as long as we don’t meet.
Because I’m not ready to live my life like a man under bondage daily nor do I want to spend most part of my life fasting, praying and casting foranother person’s misdeeds.

If you so care, join me in this prayer or keep waiting for the unknown.

Send feedback/response to Mutiat.alli@dailytimes.com.ng

07035429758 (SMS ONLY)

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